Day 45

You know what, friends?  Selling yourself is really hard.

I'm not even kidding.  Going around to different companies/individuals/startupsfrommomsbasement explaining in a CV or on a phone interview why you're amazing at what you do is really horrifying. 

i like to try and imagine what the person at the other
 end of the phone is doing whilst I yell this

I have the most difficult time playing up my strengths and not just nodding modestly.  I do not do well with an abundance of compliments to begin with; not because I don't like hearing "you rule!", but because I don't know how to respond other than smiling and saying "thanks, you too"! with the occasional fist pump in the air... please don't stop complimenting me, it fuels my soul.   Side tangent, this is also my robotic response when ticket takers at the theater say "enjoy your movie", or the waiter nods and drops off my food with a kindly "let me know if there's anything else I can get you".  It's embarrassing.  Moving on.  

Then there's those job listings where you're expected to know how to do everything under the sun.  It's a requirement to know how to milk a camel whilst simultaneously drawing an eagle with your ear. 

It makes me wonder why on earth certain job qualifications would even go together.  I can do those things, separately (badly, I might add), but I certainly don't want to do it all at the same time.  And while you don't expect a response back at all because hey, let's face it, milking a camel whilst drawing an eagle with your ear isn't exactly in your wheelhouse, you get pretty frustrated not hearing back.

Then there's those times when you're super excited about a position, except... there's one special aspect of it.  You've never done that aspect before.  You're sure you can learn how to do it, but you don't have the necessary tools to do so.  What then?  At this point my anxiety takes over and I figure they'd laugh at me if I attempted to apply for said position without expert knowledge of such and such and so I don't apply at all.  Which I should.  So then I get all rawr rawr rawr at myself for letting an opportunity skip by and then the few people I told about said opportunity ask me about it and I feel even worse...
<breathe> <breathe> <breathe>

and with that, all the really big jobs are done

I need a how-to guide.  Why doesn't life come with a how-to guide?

So I continue to better myself.  My craft.  My work.  That program that threw off my confidence before - it's open and I'm playing in it.  And you know what, it's kind of fun.

And I'll keep applying.  And learning.  And applying.  Because pushing forward is all I can keep doing  -fist pump-

but first i need an 80s montage or something.

Day 30

Well, it was close to that (sans pants).  I went into a baking frenzy.  How big of a frenzy?  To put it simply, I made enough pastries to start my own company and I almost did.  Enough that I started inquiring at local shops if they'd want to sell them.

pluot (plum/apricot hybrid) + blueberry
with a lime zest and almond crust

Peach + Raspberry in an almond crust

.




Before getting to that point, however, I was making all manners of tarts (or galettes if you want to be super specific, but hardly anybody knows what a galette is.  Heck, I didn't know until The Barefoot Contessa told me.  She then proceeded to laugh nervously in everyone's direction).

brown sugar yam with marshmallows

I mean come on.  Those look pretty good, right?  I made tons of these.  Took them to friends as thank yous, or as snacks for game night, but mostly they were devoured at home.  Not pictured was the dark chocolate ganache and raspberry tart with a shortbread crust.  That one went too fast to get a picture.

how I figure the tarts felt when Steven got home from work

So, after getting way too hyped up about the prospect of making millions of dollars selling fruit filled goodies, my fiance and I went to the store to start pricing out how much each one would cost to make.  I went a little crazy, picking out savory options, sweet options, extracts and nuts and whatsits for all kinds of nommables. Once home, we got to work.

expectation:

reality:

After making a ridiculous mess, flour winding up in places I didn't think were even exposed, a quadrillion tarts were made (amount exaggerated slightly for dramatic effect) and Steven put values, amounts, grams, prices etc all into a pretty little excel spreadsheet and we figured out the cost of each tart and what I'd have to sell them at make a profit.

Well, crap.

Without providing numbers, the crushing realization was that I'd probably have to bake 100x more tarts to make a profit, and that's assuming that any place would want to buy them for the amount it would require for me to make money.   Because while these tarts are delicious, they aren't made of gold leaf.  Or caviar.  Or, whatever rich people desire.  Small islands?  My tarts aren't made of small islands in the Mediterranean.

So, these tarts will continue to just be made for friends and family and diet saboteurs.  I will sell them too (on an individual basis) if anyone is interested, just imagine me dancing in the kitchen as I make them - that'll have to substitute the small island.

Day 21

It feels like time is moving at a bizarre speed, and there's no way to keep track of what day of the week it is anymore. 

 

I do more than this.  I swear.

Perpetual Saturday. 

This isn't to say I'm not keeping busy.  Au contraire, mon frere!  My days are full of amazing things!  

Just this week, the dentist was blessed with my appearance due to what was a little nubbly bump under my tongue.  

can you see it?  ITSRIGHTTHERE

It didn't hurt, but the fear was it could be a blocked salivary gland (though, my hand to god, I almost explained to my dentist that I thought it was an "impacted anal gland").  Goodie!  So, an oral surgeon had to take care of it which meant novacane.  Right afterwards I zoomed over to have lunch with friends on their lunch break, where I'm pretty sure I drooled the entire time due to not having control over my lower mouth.

Throughout this whole process I don't know if I would've been able to hold it together if it weren't for the people in my life.  Everyone has kept in touch with me.  A lot of people have gone out of their way to help me find a new path in life.  And it means a lot. 

So when the opportunity arises to go out and do something with these amazing people, I jump the chance unless the stars are misaligned or it feels like my tongue's about to fall off.  Which it felt like the other day, but that was only because the novacane had worn off.

With all this spare time?  Evenings, or weekends, or midday has been a whirlwind of

ART DAAAAY

"Is this movie in 3D?"  "Nope, it's as one-dimensional as it's always been"

more pints, please.

Due to my special personality, I require lots of alone time to make up for all the together time.  But hey, when I finally get home and it's time to unwind...