Day 45

You know what, friends?  Selling yourself is really hard.

I'm not even kidding.  Going around to different companies/individuals/startupsfrommomsbasement explaining in a CV or on a phone interview why you're amazing at what you do is really horrifying. 

i like to try and imagine what the person at the other
 end of the phone is doing whilst I yell this

I have the most difficult time playing up my strengths and not just nodding modestly.  I do not do well with an abundance of compliments to begin with; not because I don't like hearing "you rule!", but because I don't know how to respond other than smiling and saying "thanks, you too"! with the occasional fist pump in the air... please don't stop complimenting me, it fuels my soul.   Side tangent, this is also my robotic response when ticket takers at the theater say "enjoy your movie", or the waiter nods and drops off my food with a kindly "let me know if there's anything else I can get you".  It's embarrassing.  Moving on.  

Then there's those job listings where you're expected to know how to do everything under the sun.  It's a requirement to know how to milk a camel whilst simultaneously drawing an eagle with your ear. 

It makes me wonder why on earth certain job qualifications would even go together.  I can do those things, separately (badly, I might add), but I certainly don't want to do it all at the same time.  And while you don't expect a response back at all because hey, let's face it, milking a camel whilst drawing an eagle with your ear isn't exactly in your wheelhouse, you get pretty frustrated not hearing back.

Then there's those times when you're super excited about a position, except... there's one special aspect of it.  You've never done that aspect before.  You're sure you can learn how to do it, but you don't have the necessary tools to do so.  What then?  At this point my anxiety takes over and I figure they'd laugh at me if I attempted to apply for said position without expert knowledge of such and such and so I don't apply at all.  Which I should.  So then I get all rawr rawr rawr at myself for letting an opportunity skip by and then the few people I told about said opportunity ask me about it and I feel even worse...
<breathe> <breathe> <breathe>

and with that, all the really big jobs are done

I need a how-to guide.  Why doesn't life come with a how-to guide?

So I continue to better myself.  My craft.  My work.  That program that threw off my confidence before - it's open and I'm playing in it.  And you know what, it's kind of fun.

And I'll keep applying.  And learning.  And applying.  Because pushing forward is all I can keep doing  -fist pump-

but first i need an 80s montage or something.