Going into miniscule word-for-word detail about what happened in that cramped room, filled-to-the-brim with stressed/confused people, isn't how I'm going to start this journey. What happened in that room, many people the world over have experienced.
well, except for me.
this was my first time.
We sat there, quietly, sometimes cracking a joke, sometimes just nervously bouncing a leg up and down. up and down. up and down.
as the Big Man On Campus came strolling in,
all I kept hearing in my head was "no. no-no. no no no no no". But it happened anyway. Beforehand, looking at those who accompanied me in said room, I kept trying to pick out the faces of those I knew, just
knew, couldn't be affected. Impossible. That guy right there? Super-amazing artist. That lady clutching a handbag to her chest? Hard-working.
When our suspicions were confirmed, there were a wide range of reactions.
But me? No, I didn't do any of those.
But that? Yeah. I've got a mixed-bag of feelings for all those feelings I felt. Everything that ran through my head from "we'll have to postpone the wedding" to "I'll never see my best friends ever again!" were insane and nonsensical and totally blown out of proportion. But I shoved 'em inside, and just let it all leak out of my eyes quietly. Part of me is ashamed that I let the cracks in my hull show while there. Can you unashamedly admit shame?
Once back at my desk, that's where the breakdown occurred. While gathering the mass of toys and cards, and posters and memories that had accrued on and around my desk for the past 4 1/2 years - it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
But, like every time in life when something poopy has occurred, there were friends. Friends who just went through that same agonizing meeting. Friends who were spared and felt guilt. Friends who just couldn't stop their own waterworks.
(there was a supreme amount of love-shouting).
And I know there will be bigger and better things out there. Somewhere, for me, and for all those who marched out to their cars with cardboard boxes. Why? Because I have to believe. I have to have hope.
So I write this blog. To share the journey. The roller-coaster.
Thank you for the appropriate gif usage and for giving me just ONE more way to stalk you now. #teamashley
ReplyDeleteHooray! I need to figure out the ins and outs of Blogspot now hah! And thanks for your support, you rule :)
DeleteI love this blog! Many of those exact feelings flooding me 2 1/2 years ago during that mass of layoffs I was part of (2 weeks after MY wedding, mind you). My first and only layoff, too. I couldn't even look at anything SOE related for 2 years, I held such a grudge. I even hid SOE pals on FB just so I wasn't constantly reminded of that day. I took it personal. But, over time I have accepted it, just another lame business practice..just the way it is. And my career is even better now and I am more fulfilled than ever. You will do great, Ash, I know it. :)
ReplyDeleteMany thanks, Jason! I think everyone takes it personally to an extent. No matter how much I've told myself that it wasn't, there's still that little voice in the back of my head that feels like it was. It hurts, and it sucks. But now look at what you're doing, super amazingness! So many wonderful people get affected by this so frequently - but no matter how many times it happens it's still hard to process.
Delete